Funny New Year Resolutions

Hey, I'm still Edidiong Udoh.
edidiong_Udoh @ Instagram
Or purpleeff on Facebook.

Just wrote this. Funny new year Resolutions.

This New Year, I will no longer:

• Run while juggling knives
• Skateboard down a hill when my board has no wheels
• Play baseball with a hand grenade and a loaded rocket launcher
• Pillow fight with a bag of spare change
• Beat the school's biggest bully in the fist with my face
• Talk with my mouth full of nails
• Drink paint thinner while smoking a cigarette• Play with matches at a gas station
• Try to perform stunts with my car on the local bridges
• Throw my friends into the trunk of my car
• Play "Chicken" with local freight trains
• Set my hair on fire with hairspray and matches
• Cause global warming singlehandedly
• Shower while making toast on the edge of my bathtub
• Audition for "Jackass" every week
• Wear a bacon costume and tease the dancing bear
• Eat chocolates (I totally swear!!)
• Send "funny" images of "epic fails" and"LOLCats" via SMS or chat to someone who I am currently talking on the phone with
• Tell my friends the same story (the one with the cow and the purple Snuggie that stopped being funny 8 years ago) every time we get together
• Spend as much time worrying about life, but rather worry about the reasons why I feel compelled to stop worrying
• Consider the feelings of others when they obviously don't care about mine
• Try to hold onto the floor when I am clearly drunk and it is holding me•
Try to remember if it is drink 13 or 14 that clearly gets me wasted
* Consider apple martinis part of my "daily fruit intake"
• Drink and drive, as I'm sick of running over speed bumps and spilling my beer in the car
• Consider second and third breakfasts real meals.

God alone knows how I survived this whole year.